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MUSICAL MALADY Playing Through Panic Attacks I couldn't believe what was happening, as I fought to regain control ... but couldn't. There I was, performing as soloist on 'The Flight of the Bumblebee" with the Oklahoma Flute Society Flute Choir in front of a crowd of people at the 2001 National Flute Association Convention in Dallas, when all of a sudden my jaw began to shake uncontrollably, disrupting my tone. As you can probably guess, a shaking jaw completely interrupts a flutist's air stream, so that the tone disappears. I don't remember how much of the music I lost — perhaps only a few lines, but I felt like an utter failure. Although I had no problems on the rest of the concert, I was extremely embarrassed, frustrated, and disappointed in myself. After all, I was very well prepared, having spent many hours of intense practice. Afterwards, I thought about what had happened and wondered if lack of sleep or not enough to eat before the concert had contributed to the problem. I was not consoled by the knowledge that the audience probably wasn't paying much attention because it was "just" a lobby concert — a sort of "pre-game" show before a headliner concert. I have performed for many years, and for most of that time I have never considered "nerves" a serious problem. As a flutist, I learned to play through a few shaky moments and cope with the occasional surprise. Although I have not done well at auditions, I have been successful in chamber groups and freelancing on a modest scale. As any expert in performance anxiety will say, and indeed, as plain common sense dictates, there is no substitute for thorough and confident preparation before a performance. The better prepared I am, the more easily I can play confidently with a minimum of surprises. As long as a performer is well prepared, there is room for tiny imperfections — for example, taking an emergency "plan B" breath, or quickly recovering from a missed or cracked note. A bit of "dry mouth" (or its opposite, excess saliva), rapid heartbeat, sweaty palms, or shaky knees are all part of the adrenaline rush that many 24 PAN PIPES SPRING 2011 sai-national.org performers can expect — and consequently learn to play through. Fortunately, most of the time, these effects are much more evident to the performer than to the audience. Furthermore, the adrenaline rush can contribute to an exciting performance since it contributes to heightened awareness of the performer. Even with good preparation, I have been surprised a few times by especially shaky nerves — sometimes in low-pressure situations, such as at a friend's wedding. But nothing compared to my experience at the convention. sound on the first few notes of an easy bass flute solo. After that, the episodes started to come more frequently. I started to eat extra protein and bananas shortly before performances, hoping that would calm the shakiness, which it didn't. I tried to talk myself out of the shaking, "This is ridiculous ... you can play through this ... CALM DOWN!" I would try to visualize positive performances and try to avoid negative thoughts. But nothing helped. I never knew when a shaking episode would Gregory Dickens By Janet Romanishin, DMA Several years passed, and the nightmare faded in my memory. I was busy with the Norman Flute Quartet, my teaching, and occasional recitals. Then it happened again. In November 2004, my quartet presented an artist series concert. I had slept poorly after a disagreement in our dress rehearsal, but I was prepared and looking forward to the performance. At the beginning of one selection, my jaw started to shake, and I completely lost my hit or how long it would last. Sometimes it would happen on a particular piece, usually one with challenging breathing or a prominent solo line. Whether or not my jaw shook, I began to realize that my breath control was not as good as it had once been. What at first I could attribute to being a bit out of shape — both physically and with my practicing (which was less consistent than when I was a student) — soon became a severe problem. I realized that I couldn't even

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